


The Man Who Lost His World

by littleebambi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:14:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29053443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleebambi/pseuds/littleebambi
Summary: In which Levi is the only one who remembers their life from before.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi/Erwin Smith, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Sasha Blouse/Nicolo
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prologue

_Cold_ , it was so cold where his body sat. Though he felt his body heating up, and sweat roll down his temple he felt nothing but cold drops slide across his cheeks— and only when he reached his thin fingers did he realize it was his own tears. His trembling limbs came down across his chest holding his wrist close trying to make the fear disappear. But his heart wouldn’t stop pounding, it made his own fingers lift with each harsh pound it gave. He still felt it, still felt the warm blood brush over his fingers when he tried his best to stop the bleeding. That day on the broken shingles, he gave it his all trying to close those deep wounds- 

“ **Mr**. Ackerman! You’ve fallen asleep yet again!” His subordinate Hanji Zoe shouts, their voice making his ears ring from how loud they were at only six in the morning. 

“Jesus, four eyes I’m up.’’ He hissed, shoving his feet down from the table they rested upon. It became his habit to fall asleep in the schools old library. It was usually empty, only a small blonde would join the older male. But it seemed that only Hanji and himself were in the room today. “It’s early, why are you waking me up?” He questioned his feet sliding across the dirtied floors—he wished he could clean the library but he found it hard to do anything these days. 

“Mike wants us for a meeting, apparently this school year will be even harder than lasts. The students are trouble makers!” They chirped, wrapping their arm down across Levi’s slim shoulders. He used to have a broad body, he used to stand tall with more confidence. But then the nightmares began, they took over and his usual confident stand turned into a dark slump. No one took notice, he had always been closed off and threatening but over the last few years he felt himself growing even colder. It started when their new teacher arrived. Just one look in his deep blue eyes sent a cold shiver down his spine, his deep voice caused the short males fingers to tingle and his heart to pound. And then those nightmares started again, those dark thoughts he wished he could make disappear. But these nightmares were not new to him, no he knew of them since he was brought into this grey world. 

They weren’t nightmares, but memories. Because in a life a long time ago, in a world that maybe never even existed Levi Ackerman watched his family, his comrades and most important he watched his closest person get taken from him _one by one._

He was the man who _lost his world._


	2. His Warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of Self harm and Suicide  
> Please do not read if you’re not comfortable with these topics

“Alright, let’s have everyone focus on the screen. Ms. Zoe will introduce us to our new teachers and go over the plans for this year! I expect everyone to stay quiet and listen.” Pixis shouts from where he stood on the stage, a warm smile on his face. He had been the schools principal for ten years now, he was a kind man but he took these things very seriously so he would wait until the room quieted down before they began. Levi was grateful for that, he couldn’t stand loud noises anymore. His dislike for that began when he was five, and those memories came back at full force.

He could still hear those man eating beasts filling his head as he tried desperately to focus on the view in front of him. He watched as his co-worker Hanji pranced across the stage, their eyes wide and bright with excitement as they focused on the crowed below them. For a while they went over the usual protocols, the new rules, punishments and how the school ran. It wasn’t until they called the new teachers to the stand that he felt his throat run dry. There he stood, a man who knew all too well.

Of course not in this world, but their life before. A life only he knew of, no matter how many hints he threw at Hanji and Mike no one remembered. He just looked crazy in their eyes—so for his own good he shut up and never mentioned those days again. He was almost jealous, he wished he didn’t remember those days. It haunted him, terrorized him. And the guilt, it was still strong. Knowing he caused the death of so many friends hurt. It drove him into a wall, and for months he’d fall back into his old habits. And one day, many years ago he tried to silence himself forever—but Hanji found him. Hidden in his messy bedroom behind his blankets he laid in his own dark blood, the weapon still clenched in his fingers as he tried to finish the job. And after his attempt, Hanji never asked about his reasoning, they knew Levi wouldn’t tell of his misery. He never did, he chose to stay silent. And maybe that would be the death of him. He shook his head, focusing on the male across the room. He hated how his eyes seemed the light up the dark room, how his voice bounced off the walls. It was almost too much, that his knees began to feel weak and his heart started slamming itself against his weak rib cage. Those dark eyes seemed to be playing with him, like they knew just how much pain they put the man through by just one glance. 

“It is so nice to meet all of you, as Hanji has already said I am Mr. Smith. I will be a teacher to many of you. I hope we will get along.” He spoke, his voice still as deep as he remembered it. His eyes diverted off into the crowd as soon as Mr. Smith started to scan the room. He wouldn’t let himself be noticed. He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, turning on his heel fleeing from the room. He didn’t need to stay—there was no reason to. And besides, he needed a good smoke after the shit he had gone through the night before. 

“I knew I’d find you out here,” another voice spoke moving closer to the small man who sat on the cold pavement, his frail hands holding his cigarette in place. “You left so early, you sure you won’t be lost with the new rules?” Farlan questioned, smiling down at his old friend. Levi never looked the man in the eyes, if he did he’d see those lifeless ones that haunted him. He could still smell the blood that caked the grass below his body. He could still see his intestines dangling from his torn up body. He never looked his old comrades in the eyes—how could he? He had no right, he was the cause of their deaths. He didn’t deserve their kindness. And deep down he wished they’d just leave him alone, ignore him. It was what he deserved. 

Which is why he tried his best to distance himself from them. But even if he ignored them no one would budge, they continued to push themselves into his life, as if they wished to punish him for his sins. They wanted to see him struggle with his demons, watch him drive himself insane from those dark memories.

“I’m not stupid, I can handle this shit year fine. I don’t need to sit through another one of Pixi’s damn speeches.” He replied in a low grumble, blowing grey smoke out from his nose. 

“I’m sure you can, but still you didn’t greet any of the new teachers..including Mr. Smith—“ Levi burnt out his stick on the cement, running a hand down his face before he pushed himself to stand with a deep sigh. 

“I see, I’ll greet him another day. I’ll see you later.” He spoke under his breath, shoving his hands back into his pockets entering the warm building with a scowl etched onto his pale face. Just being close to Farlan sent a shiver down his spine, he needed to walk off those emotions he did his best to shove down as far as he can. he didn’t need them to ruin his already shit filled day. He needed to focus on his work, not himself. He had students he was in charge of, students he had to make sure graduated without any problem. He of course had his own students that loved to poke at his buttons, but they gave him something to think about other than being stuck in his head so he couldn’t complain too much. 

“Yeager, I’m not going to warn you again take your damn feet off the desk.” He hissed as soon as his classroom door was pushed open. His student—Eren was probably the worst he’s had in years. He was loud, obnoxious and overly confident when it came to anything. Though his step sibling Mikasa did her best to put him back in their place. Not that it even worked. 

“Yes sir, sorry sir.” He quickly fixed himself, glaring at his classmate Jean Kirschtein who seemed to snort behind his hand. Those two were the worst by far, which is why Levi placed them at opposite sides of the room but even then they’d find a way to poke at each other. It seemed half the time that he was taking care of his children instead of high schoolers. 

“Just open your books to the chapter we left on, read on your own today. I don’t need my migraine to get worse.” He hissed sitting down at his desk, grabbing out the papers he needed to grade. He’d focus on his work, he wouldn’t let his mind travel anywhere else today. 

But once the night came, it was back to being terrorized. 


	3. His Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Topics of self harm and suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> \+ spoiler warnings: spoilers for all 4 seasons as well as the manga, read with caution.

Nothing could have prepared Levi for this afternoon, no matter how many pills he took or thoughts he told himself— he would never fully be ready to meet someone from his life before. When he first started teaching at the school he remembered all his panic attacks he had in the teachers staff room, especially after he passed Eren’s group— he remembered them the most. They were the ones he was surrounded by as he took his last breath— into the end he was fighting for their lives rather than his own. But he was the one to go first, so did he even do a good job? He was once called Humanity’s strongest, but in his head he would never amount to that title. So many died under his command. He lost so many from his own doings, hell even Erwin followed his instructions to die. Instructions he wished he never uttered. Erwin was strong, he also cared for Levi so maybe deep down he thought the commander would’ve stayed alive for the small man. But even now, he doubted if he real cared as much as Levi did. 

“What’s got you so tense?” Hanji muttered, pushing their shoulder against Levi’s slightly trembling form. He chose not to reply to her stupid comments, he was trying his best to block her out— their death still played with his head. He could still feel those emotions when he realized he lost them as well. “Alright, grumpy pants come say hi to Mr. Smith— you did make this pie for us.” They spoke pushing him by pressing their hand against the small of his back. He felt the tremors start again when he got close. Erwin looked just as beautiful as he did all those years ago. His eyes a bright blue while his blonde hair shined like a burning star. And his voice, god his voice sounded beautiful to Levi. He missed his soft tones, his small gestures he’d make when he listened to someone speak. But most of all he missed the mans warmth. The warm emotions he’d spread through Levi’s chest making it hard to breathe by how happy the tall male made him. Even on their worst days, their worst battles he’d somehow always feel like he had a reason to keep fighting. And that reason was Erwin. 

But, he wasn’t ready. And, maybe he’d never be. Ever since that frightful day on the roof he couldn’t find himself to look at Erwin or even stand beside him. If he looked too long he’d see his corpse grinning back at him. Blaming him for his death, blaming all the fallen soldiers deaths on him. Over and over again it was all he heard. And right there, standing only a few inches away from his commander did he feel the need to paint his wrists, flee the room and cover his wrist in dark angry lines. 

“Erwin! I’m sure you wanted to meet our English teacher, Levi Ackerman. He’s quite hard to catch when busy!” Hanji spoke, too loudly for anyone but no one hushed them. Levi just nodded his head to show a quick hello, keeping his eyes on his warm coffee he clutched in his cold finger tips.

’’It is nice to finally meet you,” Erwin spoke, holding out his large hand for the male to shake. He felt like the world was taunting him. He stared down at his fingers, he remembered the way they hung lifelessly when Levi clutched his dying hand. He remembered how his blood coated his own skin, dripping down until his pants turned a dark red. Not wanting to make himself look stupid he raised his own trembling hand, placing it down in the others. And there is was, the warmth he missed. Their hands still fit perfectly. Like they were a match made in heaven. His hands were still as strong as he remembered, the grip making his knees weak slightly. Though he didn’t relish in the feeling, almost instantly he pulled away turning around on his heels fleeing from the room after muttering out a quick excuse. He was sure he looked stupid, Erwin probably thought he was ignoring him, or didn’t like him. And though it wasn’t true, he was glad to build a wall between the two. 

“Fuck-‘’ he slammed his hand against the bathroom wall, taking deep shaky breaths as he felt his world closing on him. He couldn’t handle these memories, they were too strong. He wanted to throw open his pill bottle and silence those thoughts. Why couldn’t they leave him alone? Hand’t they put him through enough? It was hard enough having to teach those traitors, let alone working beside them. With deep shaky breaths he covered his head, trying to calm himself before his next class. Though it wouldn’t surprise him if he had to call off again. It seemed the breathing techniques were failing. He was stumbling back into that dark mindset that nearly costed his life years prior. “It’s okay, it’s okay..fucking hell when did you become so weak.” He hissed to himself, slamming his hands against his head— stilling those thoughts as he beat himself until his scalp was raw and his pale hands were a light purple. He was fine, he’d be fine. He had to be. 

“ _Levi, maybe it’s time we retire to our chambers.” Erwin spoke like silk in his ear, his warm arms encircling around Levi’s slim waist pulling him close to his chest. He felt himself falling into his embrace, his eyes fluttering shut when he felt those soft feather like kisses press down against his skin._

_“But..tomorrow—“ he was cut off by a chaste kiss to his soft lips, head tilting back when long fingers tipped under his chin forcing him to look into those deep orbs._

_“Can wait. For now let me enjoy myself in your presence Levi..let us enjoy each other’s company once more. I haven’t’ had you in my arms in so long my love,” Erwin whispered, his words always sending Levi down a road of pleasure and lust. He always knew what to say to make him feel special, loved even. Erwin was his **world** , anyone could see that. _

_Their lips pressed together and their world as they knew it went silent for a moment, it was only them in their own little world. No titans, no betrayals, no missions. Just each other._


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of self harm and suicide.   
> And again, spoilers for all seasons of the anime as well as the manga. Read with caution.

His fingers tapped against the desk top, a deep sigh rumbling within his chest. His eyes looked over his busy yet silent classroom- searching each of his students He knew all of them for all the wrong reasons. The tall boy in the back who was hunched over slightly to whisper to his large blonde friend was eaten by the blond kid— Armin in the front. And Sasha, poor Sasha was shot by a lower classmate after years of fighting beasts she was taken out by a single bullet. It was ironic and quite sad, to die by the hands of your own kind. Levi hated how many he had lost for those same reasons. 

“Mr. Ackerman, can we leave early? We all finished our essays.” Connie, the almost bald kid questioned as he anxiously balanced on the back of his heels. Everyone seemed to be terrified of Levi, he sometimes didn’t really get the fear but once he took a step back and took a nice long look he saw just how cold he could be. But it was all for good reasons, he was the cause for all their deaths— he didn’t deserve any kindness in his life. 

“Fine, but if any of your essays end up being shit I won’t allow this sort of thing to happen again.” He spoke lowly, almost like he was too scared to raise his voice any higher than it normally was. His students cheered, dramatically throwing their arms in the air as they rushed to close their bags, placing their papers on the edge of his desk before they left. And while he enjoyed the silence, he wasn’t in the best mindset to be left on his own for long periods of times so he knew he needed to distract himself with a book— though he has read all of their school library’s books. Even that shocked him when he realized he had no new books to read—so he resorted to re-reading all of them over again—

“Mr. Ackerman, not busy I see?” He nearly jumped from his skin when he heard that deep voice, god he hated how weak his voice still continued to make him. His eyes lifted very slowly from his book, hands trembling against his lap. He was not ready, nor would he ever be ready to speak to Erwin again. The pain was unbearable even after all those years. 

“No, my class just finished.” His shoulders tensed from how cold he sounded just then, it wasn’t intentional— he just naturally tried to push everyone away. Make them hate him, despise him. Like he deserved. Erwin, however seemed to brush his cold nature over his shoulder, instead he smiled and walked in some a blue book under his shoulder. 

“Hanji told me of your addiction to books. And.. they told me you were quite lonely these days. So I thought I’d drop by, since we never had a real chance to talk.” Levi felt sick in that moment, he felt like his world was crashing in. And he knew that if he stood to try and flee it was most certain that his legs would give out. 

“That’s nice, but I’d rather not.” He grumbled fixing himself in his seat leaning back slightly to hide his trembling limbs. He could smell the scent of blood again, he could feel the warm liquid dribbling over his fingers like it did all those years ago. It caused a shiver to roll down his spine. This is why he avoided looking at Erwin, he could see his corpse again, every time all he was haunted with were those traumatic images. 

“Are you alright? You’ve turned as white as a sheet.” The history teacher spoke, concern clearly showing on his face. He was worried for the male, he had just met him yet he was concerned over his well-being. Levi hated him for it. 

“I’m fine, just l-leave me alone.” He hissed, mentally cursing himself for letting his voice crack in such a weak way. He was supposed to be strong, supposed to take this like a man yet here he was about to lose it over an old lover from a life long ago. He was disgusted with himself. His fingers dig into his raw arms, nails burrowing in the new wounds from the night before. He had let his mind wander too far and found himself lifting his blade to his skin yet again. And now those thoughts were returning and without a thought he hurt himself again. Not even the blood seemed to snap him from his anxious thoughts— Erwin was still there, staring at him with wide and worried eyes. 

“Are you positive? How about I get you some wat-“ Levi cut him off, slamming his hands onto his desk creating a loud slam that echoed off the empty walls. Everything about his life was bland, he didn’t let himself indulge in any luxuries. Even his home was grey and cold. His blankets were thin and he hardly ever allowed color in his life. He punished himself in any way possible. He was just waiting for himself to slowly wither away until he was nothing but an empty shell. 

“Jesus, Erwin! If I wanted help I’d ask for it, but I don’t!” He shouts, his voice the loudest it had been in years. “Take the damn hint, I don’t want to be your fucking friend. I want to be left alone.” He finished with another slam to the desk below him. He was expecting a comeback, or a curse from the teacher but instead he just gave a very small smile and nodded his blonde head. 

“I see, I have stepped too far and we’ve only just met. Forgive me Mr. Ackerman.” And then he left the classroom, leaving the male in a puddle of anger and regret. 

He had never wanted to chase after someone so _badly_. 


End file.
